“…and Heaven knows I’m (not) miserable… (yet)…”

Hmm. If anyone else my age liked The Smiths, that lyrical reference just might’ve been funny.

Yesterday I was offered a position in the Victorian Public Service (VPS) Graduate Recruitment and Development Scheme (GRADS) over the phone. Welcome news, a long time in the making.

I graduated in December 2010, and applied for Commonwealth government roles in foreign affairs, defence, immigration and international development. Ironically, the foreign affairs job was the first to reject me. I say ironically because, besides being the role about which I’ve been most passionate, it was also the one most amenable to my work experience. I’ve worked for the Australian Department of Foreign Affairs and Trade (DFAT) in London, and for the Canadian Department of Foreign Affairs & International Trade based in Addis Ababa. To the bemusement of several dear friends inside DFAT, I didn’t even survive the first cull to reach the second stage of the Department’s external recruitment process.

DFAT is the most sought after Commonwealth agency because most people are attracted to the prospect of living and working abroad and the perceived perks that go with it. Its graduate program attracts strong competition from thousands of external applicants every year, most whom have accumulated several years of professional experience since graduating. And then there are the applicants trying to get into DFAT by transgferring into its grad program from other Commonwealth agencies. So while I was of course disappointed when DFAT’s rejection email came, I wasn’t overly surprised.

International trade, law and politics, the practice of diplomacy, and to a much lesser extent the academic discipline of international relations will always be at the forefront of my interests. I understand most graduates spend years trying to get into DFAT, and that getting there requires multiple attempts. I was humbled by the messages of encouragement I received from friends and former colleagues to keep trying, and their confidence that I’ll ultimately succeed if I persevere. Applications open again in March 2012. Maybe I’ll apply, maybe I won’t. I leave the question of perseverance to next year!

My applications to other Commonwealth agencies have progressed to the interview stage. Those should be happening over the next few months. If an offer should come out of any of those, I’ll be in a position to decide whether I’d like to take it, or keep my job in Melbourne. Canberra is, after all, well… Canberra. These decisions, too, I leave to the future!

For now, I’m happy to have been offered my VPS GRADS position. The position commences in January 2012 by default, but is likely to be able to start much sooner than that. I’m awaiting induction literature and HR paperwork in the post, and am looking forward to initial discussions with my employer.

These government recruitment processes are hideously drawn-out. I applied for the VPS GRADS position online in March, and the Commonwealth jobs in January. All the applications involved lengthy, carefully constructed written responses, so I found the standard confirmation email atypically pleasing.

Date:    Thu, 31 Mar 2011 18:23:00
From:   HOBAN Recruitment

Dear John,

Thank you for your application to the 2012 VPS GRADS.  Your completed application has been received and we are in the process of assessing it against the relevant selection criteria.

For a while I made the mistake of reading the online forums about the program to try and gauge what other applicants might be hearing. This lead me to think I hadn’t progressed to the next step because a lot of regular posters were celebrating their email invitations to the next step. But then mine came too!

Date:    Tue, Apr 12, 2011 at 10:55AM
From:   HOBAN Recruitment

Dear John,

Your application for the Victorian Public Service (VPS) Graduate Recruitment and Development Scheme (GRADS) has progressed to the next stage of the process, completion of two online aptitude assessments: Numerical Reasoning and Abstract Reasoning…

I never got any feedback on those tests, unlike the Commonwealth ones, but I evidently did well enough to make it to the next step. Of course, waiting to hear whether I would  seemed to take much longer than it actually was, but that realisation was cold comfort at the time as I waited to see if I’d get a chance to be “assessed” by the recruitment agency!

Date:    Fri, Apr 15, 2011 at 3:21 PM
From:   HOBAN Recruitment

Dear John,

We are pleased to invite you to attend an assessment centre on Wednesday April 20th from 9am to 1pm for the VPS GRADS. All assessment centres will be held at HOBAN Recruitment, Level 21, 303 Collins Street Melbourne.

Please bring the following documents with you to the assessment centre.

1. Birth certificate or passport,

2. Photo Identification,

3. Your original academic transcripts.

The “assessment centre” – in HOBANese an activity in itself as well as a facility at which activities are conducted – was painful. I mean, egregiously painful. Going-to-the-bathroom-to-snack-on-Valium-and-apply-pressure-to-your-cheek-to-quell-your-nervous-twitch painful.  Not because it was nerve-wracking or unexpectedly demanding, but because from start to finish, it was so horribly fake! I know this post is too long already, but I’m compelled to externalise this. Are you sitting comfortably?

It began with all the candidates gathering around the few chairs in HOBAN’s reception room. I checked in with the receptionist and got a big, fat, ostentatiously enthusiastic HOBAN smile, “good luck”, and invitation to take a seat.

Then there were about fifteen minutes of insufferable small talk with the other waiting candidates. Introductions. What else have you applied for? What department would you like to work for? What did you study? Are you from interstate? Do you have exams? Smile, smile, smile… Yes, we’re all friends here; really hope to work with you soon and wish you the best of luck! Read: we’re nervous about what’s coming, and since we may have to work with each other in group exercises I may as well sus you out now, gauge the competition, and figure out who’s going to make me look best. Posturing, silver-tongued attempts at self-ingratiating conversation; everyone chatting and smiling, but really at the thought of the competition’s immolation.

Next was a welcome speech by the HOBANite Chief. All smiles. “We hope to see you all again soon.” Yeah. Right. It wasn’t a second cull in a competitive process at all! No, it was going to be a “fun time”! And there were all sorts of yummy “fun” snacks and drinks in the “fun” “chill out room”. Irritating bitch.

Then there were the actual assessments. The first was a one-on-one interview. Four typical interview questions. Probably the only non-insufferable part of the event. Simple, sincere, straightforward: “Hello John. I’m familiar with your resume and the written responses in your application. I’m going to ask you some questions you can answer in any way you like.” Talk, talk, talk; lots of frantic note taking. Relatively painless.

Then a muffin in the “chill out room” to occupy my mouth and deter unwanted conversation, and fifteen long minutes later, a one-page written test.

Ten people in a room, sat in front of PCs. Read the sheet in front of you and type out a briefing based on the information you’ve absorbed. Lots of stupid questions: “What if I’m not familiar with the subject matter?” “How many words do you want?” “How do you want it formatted?” And then the necessarily stupid answers: “It doesn’t matter whether you’re familiar with it or not.” “One page worth.” “Don’t worry about formatting.” “Your 10 minutes starts – now.”

Some annoyingly forceful typing by the Tasmanian girl next to me and a page of polished governmentese dribble later, and it was over. Another girl actually asked to check her Hotmail afterwards! Of course, the loving, honest reply would’ve been, “For fuck’s sake! No! Time and place!” And the professional reply would’ve been, “I’m afraid not.” But the HOBAN reply was a big, smiley, chirpy “Oh sorrrryyyy, I’d love to say yes,” – ON faux sympathetic tone – “but these machines aren’t actually on the internet.” I’m still deciding which of these interlocutors I found more cringeworthy.

Half an hour later and it was time for the final assessment: the group exercise. Waiting in the small, cramped hell that was the “chill out” room I’d had the chance to speak with most of my co-participants. One of them, who I’ll call Mike, seemed okay. He was a year younger than me, and somehow seemed more… I dunno… “seasoned” or “professionally adjusted” than the rest. Besides striking me as intelligent and very much on top of his brief, he seemed more sincere. He was the only person there I wished “good luck”.

Another enthusiastic HOBANite rounded us up and led us into a conference room. Big gormless “hi” at the door. “How’re we all doing?” Again, an irritating fool question. Because in terms of assessment results, we couldn’t know; in terms of health, she doesn’t really care; and in terms of the experience, what was anyone ever going to answer in an employment assessment situation other than “Swimmingly!” To be irritating is human. To translate a shudder into a congenial “Alright, thank you” is Divine.

We sat around the conference table – about a dozen of us – and were instructed to read a brief, and work collaboratively to come up with proposals for dealing with the problems raised in it. The HOBANites would walk around and take notes on our teamwork and interpersonal skills.

Reading time ended, the “group discussion” started, and some moron candidate silenced everyone and said we should each individually present our ideas to the group. With everyone too scared to suggest an alternative (they were, after all, looking for group discussion rather than individual oral presentations without interaction), the moron started, and the rest followed. Between speakers’ turns, I interjected. “These are great ideas”, I said, “but just to add here on a collaborative note…”

Of course, doing it this way with only fifteen minutes to “discuss”, the group was short of time by the fifth dribbleogue. I was pleased when the potentially most disadvantaged person at the table – the guy at the other end of our circle of stupidity – interrupted Mike with a polite suggestion that we should give his side a chance to summarise our response and round up the discussion.

I don’t know what caused him to do it, but Mike, insetad of just saying “sure, over to you”, quite passive aggressively responded that he was aware of the time constraint, and was almost finished. He went on! As I saw the supervisors start scribbling in their notes, I thought to myself “Noooooo! Why oh why did you have to respond like that!”

Sadly, I’m pretty sure I won’t be seeing Mike in the VPS GRADS next year. Will my future lunch-buddies ever live up to what could’ve been? We’ll see.

I know I’ve been harsh here. And I know the people at HOBAN aren’t (all) really (quite) the ebullient, gormless Harpies I’ve described. It takes a particular type of person to be able to do their job, and there’s undoubtedly method to their madness. But when they told me I was finished and encouraged to “hang out” in the “chill out” room for a bit, I nevertheless demurely bolted from the premises with a sense of having escaped the Twilight Zone by elevator.

The results of my “assessment centre” were compiled, and I finally received a good news email.

Date:    Mon, May 2, 2011 at 1:30 PM
From:   HOBAN Recruitment

Dear John,

Your application for the VPS GRADS has progressed to the next stage of the process, placement on the Order of Merit.

The Order of Merit ranks successful candidates according to their overall assessment centre performance. Candidates on the Order of Merit will be considered for department interviews.

If a department indicates that they would like to meet with you, HOBAN Recruitment will contact you to schedule a time for the interview.

And call me to schedule interviews they did, the morning of Friday 27 May. Three of them, with three different departments.

I attended interviews on 3, 7 and 8 June. They were very informal affairs, loosely centred around a few basic questions relating to the selection criteria, but much more of a getting-a-feel-for-you matter. and no, not in the Saturday night, Smith St sense.

They completed referee checks shortly after. The position I got offered was the first for which I interviewed, and one of the two I favoured (equally). The job’s ongoing, interesting, in a good location (where better than home?) and a strong springboard for work in other departments – State of Federal – should I choose later on. I’m grateful for it. Now only to find out when I start!

Special thanks to those who’ve supported me through the process. They know who they are.